Biggest Upset in World Tournament History: #16 Seed Al Queda Knocks off #1 Seed America

Who could have seen this one coming? Most powerful, explosive team in the entire world beaten in the tournament by a group of Islamic fundamentalist weirdos with nothing more than disposable Stanley knives. In my nightmares I imagined nuclear missiles fired by a rogue former Soviet state or hordes of Chinese breaking against our shores would spell the end for America’s reign as #1 in the world. Vegas didn’t even have odds on it being some delusional 33 year old virgins coming out of the Maine regional bracket. But guess what, they said “We goan shock da world!”, and they fucking backed it up. It could have been the greatest moment of their season for one of the greatest teams in world history. The Koran Krew comes out firing in the opening minutes and a shell-shocked American team has their backs up against the wall, cleaning up debris and trying to figure out how these nobodies managed to launch such a barrage of destruction and teamwork, on their home court no less. They could have countered and proved to the world once and for all that this American dynasty was here to stay. That even when confronted with a perfect game plan executed even more perfectly by a group of savvy never-beens, America plays it’s game in response and crushes the competition. Unfortunately for all of us more moderate Americans who believe in “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness“, rather than those who believe in indiscriminate murder of civilians, America panicked and allowed evil people bent on destruction to take over the game. Al Queda had a very lucky break in this respect. And when opportunity meets preparation, the successful teams take advantage. In this instance they happened to meet up in the tournament with an American team that had an incompetent coach in G.W. Bush.  All the talent in the world at his disposal, but no concept of how to use it.  Instead of calling a timeout and regrouping, and letting his all-star squad establish their dominance and methodically destroy this rag-tag squad from the Mountain East Conference with superior skills and perfect game-planning, Coach Bush let his rogue bench coaches start using up all the sweet-assed fast break alley-oop and off-the-backboard slam dunk plays they’d been drawing up in their spare time.  They’d been awaiting the moment when someone would come out firing–and hitting–to confuse the American fans long enough for them to empty their entire arsenal of razzle-dazzle horseshit into a game and turn it into a complete shit-show.  And boy did they get it.  By the time the 4th quarter rolled around the entire American team was tired as hell and frankly sick of running up and down the court.

The implications of this one shocking upset have reverberated through the sport for a full decade now.  After pissing off everyone in the sport and finally his own fans, Coach Bush retired.  All the while still stubbornly maintaining that “If given the chance I’d do it the same way all over again”.  The new coaching staff inherited a program in complete turmoil.  Head coach Obama seems to be a solid X’s and O’s guy, and gives some of the best half-time speeches this side of old Coach Kennedy back in the 60′s.  But thus far his actual game management has produced very few results and no big wins to date.  The entire program is on the verge of fiscal insolvency and instead of getting off their overpaid fucking asses and rebuilding the program back into the dominance it is so very capable of producing, instead the coaching staff, the dean, the president of the university, the athletic director, everyfuckingone, is just yelling at each other about meaningless shit and trying to prove the guy on the other side of the table is a bigger asshole than themselves.  Completely ignoring the fact that they have the biggest talent pool and greatest fans in the entire fucking world.  Instead of using that talent and igniting the rabid fan base again, they fight like little 14 year old girls over which slut sucked so-and-so senior’s dick in the school parking lot and who is wearing last season’s jeans.  And unfortunately, the less intelligent segment of the fan base is lulled into complacency by sweet alley-oops and continue to buy just enough tickets to keep the coaches and administrators in place.

All the while the Chinese team continues to inch closer to becoming the new dynasty in the sport.  And no one fucking wants that.  Their players all look the same, the squad has no personality, and they treat their players and fans like shit.  Amazing that all of this fallout came from just one fluke game played nearly 10 years ago.  The good news is that the program can be rebuilt.  However, we need to cease and desist immediately with the fucking Mix Tape Tour bullshit, hire some ruthless mutherfucker like Gene Hackman or Bobby Knight to take over the team, and get back to the basic ball-handling, passing, and precision play-running that got us to the unanimous #1 overall seed we enjoyed back in 2001.  Don’t misread my own loyalties; I am a rabid U.S. fan.  But this current team is virtually impossible to root for.  

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to Biggest Upset in World Tournament History: #16 Seed Al Queda Knocks off #1 Seed America

  1. Anonymous says:

    Love it.
    -JP

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