Author Archives: Zach

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.

I Just Don’t Care about Vaccines. Wanna Get Pissed About It; Unable

I probably should. As the father of one small child who is perilously close to becoming the father of two small children I should get fired the fuck up about this and shout down whoever is on the other side … Continue reading

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I Just Have a Head

There are moments in life-we all have them-when the veneer of denial that protects the delicate underbelly of who we truly are is stripped away, revealing the knotty, stained, and otherwise flawed reality which lies beneath. Often it is an … Continue reading

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Coffee or Vagrant Piss? You Make the Call!

As I made my way to the office this morning via the Shit Line (some know it as the Blue Line on the L, but there is nothing blue about it. it is brown, like shit. only shittier) I witnessed … Continue reading

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If You are Watching News Coverage of the Malaysian Plane Mystery, STOP!

That plane be gone, them folks be dead. End of chat. It is sad, it is tragic, and I feel butthurt for every family who lost someone on that plane. I wish I had the power to un-fuck that flight … Continue reading

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Looking for a Position as a “Fluffer” (Non-Porn)

I think I’ve found the perfect job for myself. The issue now becomes finding out whether it exists in the real world. I’ve been told since college by people in all walks of life; relatives, friends, old people, young people, … Continue reading

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Today’s Interesting Fact

While working out in my basement before the sun graced my part of the earth with it’s meager rays, I was playing the Rap station on Music Choice TV. I chose the basement over the gym given it is 1,000,000 … Continue reading

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Saturday Haiku

Winter is a whore Shaking it’s little behind Sex fades to cold clap

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If You are a Black Teenager in Florida, Just get the F–k Out

Florida: America’s dong. Sun, sand and white trash. Love the blacks that play for the football team of their choice, but don’t want them anywhere else. I am certainly not implying the black teenager has no right to live in … Continue reading

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I Feel You Will Have to Deal with this Matter in the Harshest Possible Way, Mr. Torrance

All cold and no sun makes Zach a dull boy. All cold and no sun makes Zach a dull boy. All cold and no sun makes Zach a dull boy. All cold and no sun makes Zach a dull boy. … Continue reading

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Did I Miss 25 Birthdays?

I’m suddenly and undeniably 60 years old and I haven’t the foggiest how it happened. My only working theory is that I somehow missed 25 birthdays. I’m falling the fuck apart. I was getting the eye of the tiger back, … Continue reading

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