Are they Fucking Kidding Me with this College Tuition Shit?

I started some research this week into savings options for my 6 week old kid’s college education, which will commence (of course barring some armpit hair hippy leftist rebellion of “I’m not going to college”) in 2029. I did some projections of what tuition might cost 18 years into the future. Here is what I found: Go Fuck Yourself. You can talk to the hand, because the face ain’t talkin’ no more. All projections point to mid-range 4 year university tuition (unless of course my gal takes a Victory Lap 5th year like Da-Da) in the neighborhood of $50Billion. Well guess what? I’ll show them by not even saving for it. Not one fucking dime. Instead I’m buying her a sweet soccer ball, a violin made from rare teak and strung with endangered Siberian tiger ligaments, and an abacus. Best to level-set her early and explain that she’d better kick, bow those strings, or mathlete her way into a full-ride….or be prepared to cook french fries. Because I don’t see the point in even trying to pay for that bonkers bullshit. Besides what do you need college for anyway? I went there, and I want to jerk the car into a goddamn bridge abutment every morning on the way to work. If one of these scholarship-winning activities doesn’t take it isn’t a big deal. Like Judge Smails said, “The world needs ditch-diggers too”.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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2 Responses to Are they Fucking Kidding Me with this College Tuition Shit?

  1. Anonymous says:

    Great info. There's always the Foxhole.

  2. ZSG says:

    I'd forgotten the Fox Center. Highly viable option.

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