Are the Cubs Fucking Serious?

This sums up Cubs baseball better than any mascot or team logo.  The Cubs are sucking at the teet of superior organizations, and are damned lucky to be fed at all.  Luckily for me I’m a Chicago transplant and don’t root for these asshats.  And although from north-central Ohio, fortunately I don’t root for the Indians either.  When I was but a wee lad an uncle got ahold of me and ingrained a life-long love affair with the Boston Red Sox.  And thank Crom for that.  Incidentally, he hasn’t even been my uncle for yonks, but I stuck with the Red Sox.  I’m a better man for it.  I had about two decades of misery before Dave Roberts stole that most glorious of 2nd bases on a crisp Boston Sunday night in October of 2004.  I know loss and frustration, but I also know the joy of watching something you’ve invested an absolutely embarrassing amount of your total life-span following as though it were the heart rate monitor hooked up to your infant child in NICU, pull through and win.  I’ve tried to describe Cubs fans to my other non-Cubs fan friends.  It is admiration for having the dedication to suffering, a very respectable sado-masochism if ever I’ve witnessed it.  But also there underlies Cubs fandom this almost dopey, hokey, happy-go-lucky “Awww, shucks, we’ll get ‘em next year” mentality.  Even if the conclusion of this season saw them finish 28 games out of first place and their only two good players are lost to free agency prior to “next year”.  I have rarely encountered such baseless optimism in the face of constant, tragic failure.  They are sort of like a mental patient who doesn’t understand he is mental, so you just nod, smile and say, “Yeah, I know Elvis Pressley is on the Ed Sullivan Show tonight!  How about that?”.  Sucking shit is one thing.  Spending tons of money to suck shit is a whole other animal.  The Cubs payroll is the 6th highest in Major League Baseball.  THE SIXTH HIGHEST.  They are currently 16.5 games out of first place and 21 games under .500.  Of the 5 teams which spend more than the Cubs, three of them are the #1, #2, and #3 best teams in baseball right now.  The other two are 2.0 and 4.5 games out of first place in their division, respectively.  What in the fuck is Jim Hendry doing?  Does he even know what he is doing?  I’ll answer that question: 44-65, 16.5 games back in the division, while spending the 6th most money in the game.  NO, Jim Hendry hasn’t one fucking iota what he is doing.  Of the teams ahead of the Cubs in the division, Cincinnati and Pittsburgh COMBINED don’t spend as much as the Cubs.  And the Cubs pay this asshole substantial money to be a fucking train wreck at his job.  This is a serious message to the Cubs: Pay me half what you are paying this assclown for the coming season.  Put me and 3 of my friends in a room for 48 hours with a keg of beer and 20 hits of acid.  We will put together a team for next year which will be no worse than 5th place in the division.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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