Allison Rosati, Sweetheart, Can We Talk about this Haircut?

Allison, you are a successful news anchor over there at NBC 5.  And Chicago isn’t exactly a back-water market.  There are plenty of hosts and anchors on national stations via the Windy City to prove that Chicago is a major gateway to the big time.  And who knows, maybe that is in your forecast?  But if you ever want to make it to the big time, we’re going to have to have a very heartfelt and honest, friend-to-friend conversation: You need to take a cold, hard look in the mirror, and decide if this haircut is going to get you there.  I know your husband tells you it looks great every time you get home from Super Cuts.  But you know what, he just wants to fuck.  Frankly, you’re lucky they don’t send you to a Green Bay, Wisconsin affiliate.  Because this hairdo screams Cheesehead from the rafters.  I’ll make this easy for you.  You need to head on over to Michael & Michael Salon on Chicago.  Ask for Mitch.  Dude is a fucking Jedi Knight of hair snipping.  Makes my hair look good, and I don’t even have any.  Not to mention I have Charlie Brown’s skull.  Therefore I’m highly confident he can do something for you more befitting of someone in your station.  He’ll at least bring you into the new millennium.  And if someday down the road 1991 comes walking through that door and you’re not ready for him, I’ll take the blame.  Life is too short and you are too talented to continue to barrel through it with this hair helmet.  I know it is the path of least resistance to think what worked during the best years of your life will continue to work for the rest of your life.  This is not one of those cases.  If you want to leave work on Friday night and jump back into this haircut along with some faded blue mom jeans, white Payless-bought New Balance tennies, and a woodland critters sweater over a turtle neck, that is your time baby!  But when you are on the air, let’s go for a little professionalism.  Deal?  

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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3 Responses to Allison Rosati, Sweetheart, Can We Talk about this Haircut?

  1. Anonymous says:

    YOu are a jackass

  2. Anonymous says:

    Wow!!!! u r not normal……

  3. Robert says:

    I don’t care what her hair looks like, she’s beyond a MILF. And with the amount of cleavage she’s been showing lately, she would not even make it out of the house if I were her husband because I’d be tapping it CONSTANTLY! Sooooo hot!

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