Monthly Archives: December 2013

The Eleventh Day of Christmas

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a road trip with a potty training toddler. This is going to be the hip hap happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny fuckin’ Kaye! 720 miles … Continue reading

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The Tenth Day of Christmas

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, finished all my Christmas shopping mutherfuckers. It isn’t even Christmas Eve yet either. Suck it. Suck it so hard. Absolutely dominated this holiday shopping season. Women and children … Continue reading

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The Ninth Day of Christmas

  *I don’t know why this paragraph is black. I am powerless to make it white On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a trip to Rockmill Brewery. Alas, a Christmas days event which isn’t … Continue reading

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The Eighth Day of Christmas

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a threat to go to the American Girl Place store. I’d rather jump out a fucking window. To the uninitiated, this is the intersection of all the reasons … Continue reading

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The Seventh Day of Christmas

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a dead car battery. Good thing it isn’t cold. Oh shit, nevermind, it is infinity below zero. Well slap my ass and call me Susan. Guess we’ll have … Continue reading

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The Sixth Day of Christmas

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a lone long pube staring back at me from the wall of the gym shower. Nobody knows its origin or what it wants. But there it is looking … Continue reading

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The Fifth Day of Christmas

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, WHAM!’s “Last Christmas”. I say with utmost sincerity and vehemence, if you don’t like–no not like, but love–WHAM! “Last Christmas”, you can take your pinko commie gold-brickin’ fuckin’ … Continue reading

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The Fourth Day of Christmas

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a Disney movie full of princesses. I was an innocent lamb led to slaughter. “You need help with that sofa mister?” “Yeah, thanks. Do you wear about a … Continue reading

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The Third Day of Christmas

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me: A simultaneously puking yet wild-as-shit toddler. A dual-threat if ever there was one. Puking in the place you encouraged them not to puke one minute, asking you to … Continue reading

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The Second Day of Christmas

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a two-day hangover at age 35. Rock and fuckin’ roll! Why start Monday refreshed and happy when you can begin the week dehydrated, tired, depressed and negative? From … Continue reading

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