Monthly Archives: February 2013

Oh Wow! 13.1?

 That sticker looks so fucking badass on the back of your crossover that I must now go and change my trousers. I mean seriously?!?!?!?! You ran HALF of the race that people actually give a shit about? A-MAZE-ZING! Not to mention having … Continue reading

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What Sort of Low-Rent Asshole Doesn’t Wash Their Dishes at Work?

There is a special place in hell for these cock-gobblers. Sure, go ahead, leave your filthy, crusty, sneeze-covered dishes in the public sink. Some poor sap will do them, eventually. You are much too important to do your own. Fucking … Continue reading

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If There is One Thing a 1-Year-Old Respects, it is a Hangover

I can’t adequately explain how amped I was to see my daughter at 05:30am, central standard time, Sunday morning. I was out to dinner the night before with a friend who is basically the Rain Man of wine. When you go to … Continue reading

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It Looks Like We’re All Pussies Now

Listen, we all know the IOC is a bullshit operation run by plundering gangsters. Nothing new to report there. This recent decision to exclude wrestling from the 2020 games and beyond, however, is unfathomable even by their low, inept, corrupt, money-grabbing … Continue reading

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How Do You Purport to Know Me, Lottery Ticket Reader?

I strolled into the 7-Eleven across the street from my building recently, lottery ticket in hand. Sure, I spent most of my life making fun of the lottery for being nothing more than hope for the hopeless. And now I’m … Continue reading

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Zombiepacolypse is Upon Us!

Oh wait, nevermind. It is just Ash Wednesday. That’s a good look, Catholics. You should stick with it for millenia, just like all the other contemporary, relevant fatwa.

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Stick with your “Look” at all Costs

I was walking north on LaSalle Street a couple of days ago, right in front of The Northern Trust building. I was directly behind a very large Mexican man and his son. No, wait, look closer…….it was a very large Mexican … Continue reading

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I Got Laid this Past Summer in Niagra Falls while on Vacation with my Family. You won’t Ever Know her because she’s Canadian, but Trust Me Dude

“I don’t know her fucking name because she’s Canadian dude! Leave me alone, I totally got some pussy on that vacation though.” “Well, I’m going to Niagara Falls with my family in two weeks, and if she’s that easy, I … Continue reading

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