Monthly Archives: February 2011

Can Charlie Sheen get any Awesomer???

If you are anywhere….a party, a bar, at work, at the ball game, at church, at a bar mitzvah, at your grandma’s house for Easter dinner, anywhere….and someone tells you that “Charlie Sheen is out of control and needs help”….don’t … Continue reading

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Eddie Bauer can Eat a Bowl of Shit

I got a perfectly serviceable pair of gloves from my grandma for Christmas. However, I have small hands. Like carnival folk, only my hands don’t also smell like crystal meth and 13 year old girls’ panties. No big deal, I’ll … Continue reading

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I’ve got to be honest with you….I am kind of jealous of people with a serious drug addiction.

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The Bad Apple is BadAss

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Life is a Zero-Sum Game

I will not attempt to torture the reader or myself with the full explanation of what a zero-sum game is. This was a particularly painful epoch in my past during my Economics major training. My professor was an in-the-closet homosexual, … Continue reading

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Why are Dudes Compelled to Spit in Urinals?

It is a question as old as time immemorial. If you read the Bible, and you better fucking believe I read that pig every goddamn day, in Mark 7:22 we see the first reference to this age-old tradition: “As we … Continue reading

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Asian Dude Straight RAKING at XSport Fitness this Morning

I was strolling past the aerobics room this morning which is typically kept dark until classes start around 7:00 a.m. People generally use the room for stretching and various self-directed routines until this time. So you can accurately say I … Continue reading

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Could Everyone Quit Fucking “Checking In” Already

The Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh away. We as humans cannot blame the Creator for the sharks or the influenza or the cockroaches or The View or any of the Kardashians. We can only praise him for the good … Continue reading

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Studio 54 should have been rated NC/17

Given that I’m slowing dying faster than a Medieval peasant after sticking his hand in a rat den, I had the opportunity to re-watch Studio 54 this morning. It was the only alternative to morning talk show drivel, not to … Continue reading

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Chicago’s Awful Weather Finally Fucking Killed Me

This is probably my last post. So to my global readership, all 8 of you, I want to say it’s been a great run. Somehow no one has alerted my mom to this enterprise. I thought it an inevitability, but … Continue reading

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