Monthly Archives: August 2010

I have Searched High, and I have Searched Low, for Evidence of the Existence of God. I Finally Found it Tuesday on the Side of a Highway in Iowa.

I was driving in Iowa, approximately 30 miles east of Des Moines. The central part of the state is currently suffering some of the worst flooding in their history. Both sides of the highway, as far as the eye could … Continue reading

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I Fucked Up

It is with an extremely heavy heart and with much shame that I regret to inform that I fucked up royally. In a previous post regarding Out For Justice, and the overall awesomeness of Steven Seagal, I referred to the … Continue reading

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Who the Fuck is Clint van Zandt and why does the Media Sweat his Nuts?

Nice moustache dickhole. Who is this fuckin guy anyway? Every single time the network gossip shows get tired of speculating about what may or may not have happened to cute little white kid #467 or cut up and buried in … Continue reading

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Dudes who Look at 8-Month Pregnant Women on the Bus and don’t Let them Have their Seat are Living Life on their Own Terms

“Ummmm, do you think you could maybe move your giant stomach away from me so I can fully open my newspaper? You see, standing there because you have no seat, is causing your baby-filled gut to encroach upon my newspaper … Continue reading

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“Out For Justice” was on AMC Tonight, and I Realized that I had Totally Forgotten how FUCKING AWESOME Steven Seagal Is!

Listen the fuck up Richie Modano: You think you’re gonna whack Bobby Lupo at a produce stand in the middle of Bed Sty and NOT get Gino right up your fat, mustachioed ass? Think again bitch. Gino is coming for … Continue reading

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The Chicago Transit Authority has Me by the Balls

I am bent over in the basement of a pawn shop, pants around my ankles, hands cuffed behind my back, rubber ball shoved in my mouth, with the President of the CTA pounding away from behind while the CTA Vice … Continue reading

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HOLY SHIT! My “How Can I Meaningfully Support Our Troops” Conundrum Has Been Solved!!!

All this time the answer was right in front of my fucking nose and I didn’t even see it: Put a yellow ribbon sticker on the back of my SUV!!! It was that goddamned easy. Who cares if the troops … Continue reading

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Morbidly Obese People on Public Transit Fucking Rock

Especially when the hot humid air of summer arrives. I love the feeling of warm, moist sow-flesh encroaching on me while I read and try to pretend you don’t fucking stink. Although reading can be difficult when the land manatee … Continue reading

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My Favorite Time to Field Difficult Questions at Work is when I First Walk in, Before Sitting Down or Even Turning my Computer Monitors on

I leave the elevator and walk briskly to my desk every morning, carrying hot liquid and my personal effects, hoping beyond hope that someone will start firing away questions about a dicey issue before I have a chance to even … Continue reading

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My Air Conditioning Might be Broken, but Thankfully the Weather isn’t Warm

Oh wait, its 90 fucking degrees every day. My dog, with his extraordinarily thick and curly coat, seems to be enjoying it. He looks like one of those African children you see on the commercials lying around listlessly. I’m constantly … Continue reading

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