Monthly Archives: July 2010

When Mel Gibson Speaks, I Fucking Listen

Mel Gibson is pure 24 carat comedic gold. He’s blaming Jews for all wars, and he doesn’t even care that the business he’s in is dominated by Jews. He’s bringing Passion Plays back. He’s threatening to plant his wife “in … Continue reading

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LeBron James Boldly Attempts to Out-Douchebag Brett Favre and Tiger Woods

There hasn’t been this much speculation about the fate of a black man since Dred Scott. LeBron called his own press conference/Television special about his free-agency decision to let the entire world know just how fucking important he is to … Continue reading

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That is Pretty Incredible that You are Able to Walk your Dog Through Downtown Chicago with No Leash

Wow! You can just take your dog wherever you go with no leash at all? Really, he just stays right there by your side? He doesn’t go after people or try to run away? I am completely impressed. Your dog-training … Continue reading

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If There is a Downside to Crack, I’ve Yet to See It

There are a lot of distinguished crackheads in operation in my neighborhood. So I feel I speak knowledgeably on the subject. And I’m here to tell you, I can’t see the negative side to crack addiction. You are never at … Continue reading

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July 4th Fireworks Displays are THE Ideal Time to Shoot a Mutherfucker

In what has become a yearly tradition on par with barbecues, flag-waving and drunkenness, multiple people were shot in Chicago during the July 4th fireworks displays. Norman Rockwell made famous this most American tradition in his famous painting “Poppin‘ a … Continue reading

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The True Measure of the Advancement of a Civilization is in the Yogurt it Invents to Make Women Take a Dump

Much like the Mayans and their calendar or the Egyptians and their hieroglyphs, our American civilization is sure to be remembered most throughout history by our invention of bacteria-infused yogurt that makes chicks shit. Rather than waste precious minutes each … Continue reading

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Chinese Mathematician Develops Algorithm Which Computes How Much Ass Guys in Affliction Shirts Kick

Dr. Ji Yan Yhi PHD, of the University of Shanghai, published his findings this week after 2 years of exhaustive research and running advanced algorithmic calculations through his computer program. The findings were published in an obscure mathematical journal, however … Continue reading

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Tornadoes Are Pussies

You are such a fucking badass dude! You dominated that cornfield with no farmers in it. Now you are about to obliterate that road no one is driving on. And yes, we all know about the trailer park you just … Continue reading

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Dudes Who Talk Non-Chalant On Their Cell Phones On Public Transit About Last Night’s Hook-Up Suck

Let me get this straight: It is 7:42 a.m. on a Friday morning. 97% of the people are miserable because they are headed to work (and contrary to modern corporate theory denim does not in any way alleviate work misery). … Continue reading

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Swedish Scientists Prove American Men Who Love Golf and Say Soccer is Boring Also Masturbate to Anime Porn

Guys like this fucking suck, and now we have irrefutable, hard Norwegian science to back it up. I’m not here to argue whether or not soccer is boring or exciting, macho or pussy. I’m here to tell you why your … Continue reading

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