Monthly Archives: July 2010

I Wish that all Children of the World could Bask in the Glow of the Hipster Working at Intelligentsia Coffee Right Now

I treat myself on Friday afternoons to a frou-frou coffee drink from the best coffee peddlers in town, Intelligentsia. I almost denied myself today, which would have been one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life. I would never … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Hey Barack, Thanks for Ending that War in Iraq Like You Hinted Around that You Would

Cats are still all over that joint, getting their dicks blown off. Country isn’t one goddamned inch closer to governing itself, and do they even want to? Democracy doesn’t work for everyone, get over it. And while we’re at it, … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Judging by the Number of Times You’ve Revved the Engine on Your Crotch-Rocket at this Red Light, I’m Going to Assume you Have a Huge Penis

Vroom, VROOOMMM you bad mutherfucker! The chick in the Ford next to you just slid right out of her seat. I’m harder than a diamond in an ice storm, and I’m not even gay. That jacket is fucking PIMP! How … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

You Can Take Your Mahalo and Shove it Up Your Fit, Tan, Smiling Hawaiian Ass

“Mahalo”. Go fuck yourself. While you’re over here in your island paradise doing outdoorsy shit, relaxing on the beach with boat drinks and being generally pleasant and attractive, the rest of us are pissing away our lives in intemperate climates, … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Maui’s Weather Sucks

Seriously, how many 85 degree, sunny, moderately breezy days can you have in a row before you just shave your head, sport a black trench coat, walk into the Lahaina post office and start blowing mutherfuckers‘ heads off? Try sitting … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Entire Palin Family are Trash as White as the Driven Snow

These fucktards truly have the “whole package”. The patriarch is the First Dude, races shit with his drinkin’ buddies, is dumber than a bag of hammers, and likely enjoys professional wrestling. We’ve got a matriarch who really serves as the … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

If All the European Dudes I saw in Italy are any Indication, I need to Buy Some Denim Manpris…Stat

There are more pairs of manpris in Europe than you can shake a fucking stick at. Denim only sweetens the deal. From the large-headed, greasy-haired and violent look of the men most frequently adorned in the denim variety, I’m going … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

You Bet Your Sweet Ass I’m Still Listening to Mel Gibson

I just wanted to point out that yesterday I mentioned Mel Gibson would be going postal on new topics, one of which would be illegal immigrants. And this morning they release yet another rational and calm diatribe from Mad Max … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I Seriously Fucked Up by Not Becoming a Hot Tween Vampire or Werewolf

Those fuckers are knee-deep in hot 15 year old ass right now. Monumental mistake on my part opting for college and a desk job. A much smarter route would have been working out 24/7, removing all my body hair, biting … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Seriously, Can We End the Fucking Search for this Kid in Oregon Already?

I’m going to save everyone a ton of fucking time, money and heartache with this foolproof plan: 1) He’s dead. Sorry, but he is. Sucks for all parties involved but the kid is dead.2) For closure a body need be … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment